smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
i need some magic done to my vagina
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
