me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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