I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
