My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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