thus making me awesome and them whores
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
