A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
