There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
