Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
