I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Never underestimate the power of titties
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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