if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
