if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
