How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize