My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
