I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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