i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
