Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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