Are we in a gay sports bar?
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
