So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
