There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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