I'm lost and stupid without you.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
