He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
