Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
