my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
