I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
