I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
