apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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