apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
