yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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