Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
