My sheets look like a crime scene.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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