Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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