If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
