I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
