I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
