All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
