yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
