Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Girls should come with a carfax report
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
