well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
honey bunches of taint.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
