I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
