I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
