Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
