What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Can you bring me the toilet please
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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