May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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