i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
