just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
