I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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