Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
im six kinds of drunk right now
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
