why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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