you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
