it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
