8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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