Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
