I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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