Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Randomize
