Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Randomize
