She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
